(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.