[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*swipes right on my hand mirror