There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I wish this was real life…
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today