The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
March 16
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
An odd boast
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
At an art museum and I thought this was art