Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
had to make it
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen