phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse