Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what