Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Still my favourite meme.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
CUTE CAT‼︎
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Good point.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.