“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that