My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The Birdles
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Oh no
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one