Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.