I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.