If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
#SaturdayBears
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.