I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.