WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
guys I’m going home
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.