I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”