Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.