HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
HERE’S MARKY
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
🤣🤣🤣