Essential viewing in these troubled times.
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
A flock of dads is called a grill.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad