If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Spa day..😅
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink