A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.