I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.