My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.