[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.