WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
every. time.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.