I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.