Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude鈥檚 a loser with a crappy bomb who鈥檚 crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
when someone replies to a locked account it鈥檚 like watching Han talk to Chewie
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it鈥檚 time my kids learn how that shit feels
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
bad news gang
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 馃檨
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn鈥檛?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.