Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You had me at “define legal”.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no