A new level of troll.
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’m already scared
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?