me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
i can’t wait that long
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The asteroid..
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.