“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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Eat…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.