My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
the icebreaker
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING