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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead