Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe