my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?