“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.