Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Wednesday
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?