3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired