“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Phones down.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.