He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason