[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
He took my last fry, your honor
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.