The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
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I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
What
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*