When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
And bowling should be called pinball
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!