[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?