“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G