Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Single and childfree like Jesus
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.