It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Covid like
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it