What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
cyclists
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!