I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.