BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]